As though they were never gone...

In two and a half weeks it will be the seventh anniversary of my sisters death.
Seven. Years.
For seven years, I've been constantly asking myself how I was able to manage to make it so far without her. ...Today I realized I haven't.

When you lose someone that's a piece of you... when a hole in your heart gets torn out because part of your world has ended... all you can think about is how they're gone. Life goes on and happy things happen, but you always end up to the conclusion that it's not fair. My husband should of had a sister-in-law. My nephew/son should have his mom and my kids should of had an aunt. My brothers and I should have our sister. My parents should have their daughter. Today I realized that we DO have her.

When you lose someone, people often tell you that they're not really gone as long as they live within your heart. This is not entirely true. I carry my sister within my heart, every single moment of every single day, but it's not because of just that that she lives on. Today I realized how often she shows up because it's not just my heart she still lives in.

Sometimes I'll find a picture, or someone will send me one that they've found, of her beautiful smile. ...Or one of her ridiculous faces, and I find myself discovering that piece of her all over again.
Sometimes I'll say something and someone will smile and laugh because a single word that I said reminded them of a memory with my sister in it. One that I haven't heard, or have forgotten about, and I find myself discovering a piece of her I hadn't known.
And then there are other times when I'll meet a stranger, who wasn't really a stranger at all. A stranger who just so happens to be missing that part of Monique that should still be in their lives. ...And then I get to hear all about who she was to them. ...And I find myself discovering more of her that I never even knew was there.

When you lose someone... everyone loses them. Before I lost my sister, I never knew what to say at funerals, to loved ones. After I lost her, I thought that would change. Instead, I just realized there really isn't anything you can say. Some people say that it gets easier. Whoever said that is a liar who has never known what it's like to lose part of their heart. It doesn't get easier. It never will. But one thing that I have learned that you can do, is to share. Tell a story. Show a picture. That's how they live on. That's how she lives on. And for those few split moments, they leave your heart and enter the room as though they were never gone.

More Then What Dreams Can Contribute.

I've seen you sad,
I've seen you down -
It makes me mad,
Makes me want to throw my fists around.

With all the lies,
It's no surprise you feel this way.

I want you to scream,
At the top of your lungs.
Scream that you realize,
All you can become.

And I want you to go,
I want you to fly,
I want you to wake up -
Wake up and realize,
You're more then what you dream,
More then what they say you are.
You're more then perfect,
More then what they make you seem.

You're better then them,
Because at the end of the day -
You know how to love,
Which is more then they can say.

They're lost in their hate,
Fixed on their rage,
They'll get what's coming,
And I wont complain.

Your spirit is flawless,
Your heart is like that too.
And I know you should know this,
But sometimes its hard with all that you go through.
So you find yourself in question,
Asking what it is you've done wrong,
And I hope that the answer, brings you back to this song.

Because you're better then them,
At the end of the day,
You know how to love,
Which is more then they can say.

You're more then what you dream,
More then perfect,
So much more then perfect.


I found myself singing this while doing dishes today. Sometimes things just pour out of me. My kids often ask what song it is that I'm singing or if I'm just making up stuff again. Mostly, I'm just making up stuff.

Lately, I've been extremely irritated by people and what they attempt to do to another persons mind, spirit, and/or heart just out of spite that they've forgotten how to truly smile with love and compassion. I don't think I could ever understand the fullness of hate and what drives a person to it. I probably love too much. Sometimes, maybe too hard. That often equals pain in my own heart, but when it's all said and done... I'm okay with that. I would rather get hurt loving then be hurtful because I don't know how to love.