Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Most Missed Memories.

"I wish I could put all my best words into my most missed memories.
To cleverly write what plays through my mind most.
Words are nothing but a tool in which I've forgotten how to use.
What I want to write about most, seems to refuse to leap from my heart onto the page;
About how beautiful you were, and how much you really are missed.
I can't come up with anything. ...Nothing at all.
Nothing happy, nothing sad.

Determination just seems to only weaken thoughts of potentially written brilliance.
Nothing seems good. Not anymore.
The thing that seemed to always help keep me together through the difficulty seems the most farthest from my reach.

Am I keeping this from me?
What can I do to bring it back? To bring back the ability to beautifully write out your life as we all once knew it?

To capture simply you.
To capture you with words."

I wrote this two years after my sisters death and I have yet to capture her soul within words. To capture her beauty with the tip of my pen. Now, nearly five years later, I'm still left dumbfounded on my ability to live without her smile, her laughter. I find that every time I remember her, I'm reminded of how much of her is fading with the years.

I still wait for her to walk through the door. I don't think that will ever go away. Sometimes I still feel like her accident was all a dream. Sometimes, when I find a moment to myself I drive down a very long back road, with the music all the way up and I cry. I cry and pretend it's just me and her. My sister and I, taking a long joy ride like we use to. I pretend we're laughing at the little nothings in life and I tell her how much I miss her. ...I tell her about my kids, about her son. I tell her how he has her smile and how smart he is. She'd be so proud of how he stands up for what he believes in, the way she did. And how he eats chocolate the way she did, I know that sounds crazy... but he does. I know if she was really there, she'd be beaming. When my mind begins to get weary and I can no longer forcefully repeat the memories over and over again, her face fades from the passenger seat and I'm left alone once again. Left alone to cry and image things differently. ...Only to realize without the tragedy of her loss, I possibly wouldn't of gained the happiness I have found. Is that possible? I struggle with knowing that it could be, because I miss her more than I could ever learn to say.

In merely six days it'll have been five years and I still have yet to capture her soul with words. I know one day I'll get it. One day, the beauty of who she was will find a way to cleverly leave my heart and leak it's way onto pages, maybe even books.

Until then, I have the open road and her smile imprinted on her legacy's face.

Monique J. Pelletier
sister, daughter, mother, niece, cousin,
lover, friend, best friend, new friend, old friend,
role model, instructor, student, teacher, warrior...
we lost more then just one person when we lost you.
R.I.P. little sister. You're more then missed, and will forever be loved.
11/1/89 - 4/19/06